simplyraevyn.com

Well it has been awhile since I have written in my blog about anything other than Etsy, and I think it is time.

I have been keeping myself very busy. I am really loving making cards. I love picking out patterned paper, and being able to play with colors. I have also been getting some custom requests from people for their events, which is very exciting to me! So I am getting a lot deeper into making cards than I ever thought I would. But it’s great. It also lets me be distracted from manically making earrings and things. However, it is difficult for me to keep up with all three of my shops at times. I have been able to establish sort of a rhythm though. The down side is it keeps me busy pretty much 24/7. I don’t let myself relax, and I think I am starting to get stressed out.

I am not sure if my mood lately is a bipolar thing or a stress thing. But I think it is a combo of both. I am snapping pretty easy lately. A quick example: The other day I stubbed my toe on a mostly empty laundry basket, so I picked up the basket and threw it against the back of our closet. Now don’t get me wrong, snapping is not a new thing to me. I have had an anger/rage issue for as long as I can remember. I just have not had a big problem with it in awhile. I really hate it, it makes me feel so out of control. I also worry if it will change the way my fiance looks at me. He is an amazing man, and he has been so accepting and supportive of me since the day we met. But I still worry. I am not worried I will hurt anyone, my family and friends are not in danger. As a matter of fact the person I tend to hurt is me. I just am so afraid of how it makes me look to others. And I am so sick of apologizing about it.

In high school I would punch brick walls, and I remember one event when I was meeting with my guidance counselor that I picked up a chair and threw it. Now I do not do these things to intimidate people. I think that the fact that I do these things just as often, if not more so, when I am alone then when I am with other people is proof of that. I just get filled with such anger, that I have to do something. When I punched walls I would look for the brick walls instead of the “softer” plaster walls. I am not writing this to say I am afraid I will start doing small things to hurt myself. I have no urge to punch a wall or anything like that. I just hate feeling such anger inside, and it is usually for no reason at all!

I am also crying a lot these days. I don’t just sit on the couch and cry. But I cry over just about every show or movie we watch. Once again, it annoys me because it just makes me feel so out of control. It is weird, because I really like where I am. I love being here in Texas, I love being with Paul, and I am very proud of the progress I have made with my Etsy shops. But I still have all of this inner turmoil. I know, that sounds so totally emo. But I really don’t know how else to explain it.

I think what I just need to do is get back to my shrink. I am having a really hard time making myself leave the house, and appointments almost worsen that because all I do is think about the fact that I have to leave from the time I make the appointment, until the time I go. But I really just need to buck up and do it. And I need to get myself on a medicine regime. Well not get myself, but work with my shrink to figure out what will be the best path. I am 32 now, and this is really not cute anymore.

Anyway, those are thing things going on in my head the past few days. Like I said, things are good. I am just going crazy :p But I love where I am, I love Paul, and I love the business I am trying to build. So I know I can make this better, I just need to take the steps to do it!

Well thank you for reading my ramblings Talk to you soon!
:w

Tags: anger, anxiety, beading, bipolar, crying, etsy, handmade, jewelry, Life, mood swings, Raevyn, rage

Howdy all. It has been a pretty busy few days for me. I have been doing a lot of work promoting Simply Raevyn. A friend of mine, who we affectionately call The Monkey, has been giving me lots of tips on keywords, social networking and things like that. So I am working hard to get the word out. I have also started a new line of earrings that I am excited about! I call it the “Mini Series”. That name makes me giggle. Basically, it is miniaturized versions of my brick stitch earrings. Most of the brick stitch that I made are over 3.5 inches long. These new ones won’t be over 2.5 inches long. They are incredibly cute. I actually got the idea from a customer of mine. She bought a pair I had listed. I really didn’t think they would sell because they were so long. But she loves them, and so does her daughter! So she suggested I make more. I am having so much fun making them.

Things have been really rough for me lately mentally. My bipolar seems to be in full swing, and making me crazy. I have been in a mania for weeks now, and it is really taking it’s toll. I am tired, cranky, and incredibly moody. I hate feeling like this. When my friend Jenn calls on the phone I can’t even bring myself to hold a normal conversation. I just sort of mumble until she gets mad enough to hang up. I feel bad when things like that happen, but I just can’t stop! I hate being so weak minded that I cannot even make myself have a conversation with my best friend of 22 years. I got some Seroquil, so at least I am sleeping better. But they seroquil certainly isn’t helping my moods. When I take it during the day it just makes me so that I don’t obsess about my moodiness.

I just realized while writing that last paragraph, that I have not talked about my mental issues much in this blog. Certainly not in detail, only briefly in passing. I think I should write about it more. When I was young, writing always made me feel better. And that is really one of my purposes for this blog. So here goes.

When I was younger, I think about 21, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD, as well as a few other things such as depression and PTSD. At first I thought it was an odd diagnosis. I did have some compulsions, but certainly nothing like what you see on movies like What About Bob. (On a side note, that is one of my all time favorite movies.) So I decided to do a little bit of looking into the disease. I ordered a book, which I now highly recommend to anyone effected by OCD. The book is called Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The Hidden Epidemic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Yes I know, quite a long title. But what a wonderful book! It made me realize that this intrusive, horrible thoughts I had been having were not because I was a horrid, disgusting person. They were caused by OCD. Just realizing that had such an amazing effect on me. I guess I had never really thought much about the “Obsession” part of OCD. Movies, jokes, etc. have always dealt with the “Compulsion” part for the most part. I can’t say enough about how much this book did for the way I viewed myself.

A few years later, I was told by a Psychiatrist that I was not depressed, that I in fact had Bipolar Disorder. I have to admit when I first heard that, I was very skeptical. I then told my mom of the diagnosis. My mother is an RN, and has worked on a psyche word for over a decade. Her intitial reaction was to disagree, but within seconds she was agreeing with the diagnosis. It was interesting to watch her reaction, because it sort of looked like things made sense to her all of a sudden. My lifetime of starting enormous projects and never finishing, my weird relationships with men, my spending habits, and so much more. So, I decided to look into Bipolar Disorder. Once again, much the same way as it did when I read about OCD, things started to make sense. My bipolar diagnosis has recently been further confirmed, as well as narrowed down to Bipolar I.As I have gotten older, my symptoms have actually worsened. I am to the point now where it is difficult for me to even leave the house. I can leave, although it is usually only with my fiance. I guess I look at him as my safety person. Driving used to be a huge part of my life. I loved to drive, it gave me such a sense of freedom. Now the thought of driving terrifies me. I cannot stand being in crowds, it makes me physically sick, and sometimes makes me feel as if I will pass out. I have a lot of panic attacks. Things might be a little bit different if I could afford all of the meds I need, and also if I could afford to get the therapy I need. I’m not sure really.Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss my diagnoses. They are a huge part of my personality, and they effect me and the people in my life a lot. I used to use writing to express myself more, and it helped me feel better. I also used to use the internet to reach out to get help for things like this. I guess I am taking this opportunity to do both things. Thank you for listening.

:w

Tags: beading, bipolar, brick stitch, earrings, etsy, handmade, jewelry, networking, obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD