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Well it has been awhile since I have written in my blog about anything other than Etsy, and I think it is time.

I have been keeping myself very busy. I am really loving making cards. I love picking out patterned paper, and being able to play with colors. I have also been getting some custom requests from people for their events, which is very exciting to me! So I am getting a lot deeper into making cards than I ever thought I would. But it’s great. It also lets me be distracted from manically making earrings and things. However, it is difficult for me to keep up with all three of my shops at times. I have been able to establish sort of a rhythm though. The down side is it keeps me busy pretty much 24/7. I don’t let myself relax, and I think I am starting to get stressed out.

I am not sure if my mood lately is a bipolar thing or a stress thing. But I think it is a combo of both. I am snapping pretty easy lately. A quick example: The other day I stubbed my toe on a mostly empty laundry basket, so I picked up the basket and threw it against the back of our closet. Now don’t get me wrong, snapping is not a new thing to me. I have had an anger/rage issue for as long as I can remember. I just have not had a big problem with it in awhile. I really hate it, it makes me feel so out of control. I also worry if it will change the way my fiance looks at me. He is an amazing man, and he has been so accepting and supportive of me since the day we met. But I still worry. I am not worried I will hurt anyone, my family and friends are not in danger. As a matter of fact the person I tend to hurt is me. I just am so afraid of how it makes me look to others. And I am so sick of apologizing about it.

In high school I would punch brick walls, and I remember one event when I was meeting with my guidance counselor that I picked up a chair and threw it. Now I do not do these things to intimidate people. I think that the fact that I do these things just as often, if not more so, when I am alone then when I am with other people is proof of that. I just get filled with such anger, that I have to do something. When I punched walls I would look for the brick walls instead of the “softer” plaster walls. I am not writing this to say I am afraid I will start doing small things to hurt myself. I have no urge to punch a wall or anything like that. I just hate feeling such anger inside, and it is usually for no reason at all!

I am also crying a lot these days. I don’t just sit on the couch and cry. But I cry over just about every show or movie we watch. Once again, it annoys me because it just makes me feel so out of control. It is weird, because I really like where I am. I love being here in Texas, I love being with Paul, and I am very proud of the progress I have made with my Etsy shops. But I still have all of this inner turmoil. I know, that sounds so totally emo. But I really don’t know how else to explain it.

I think what I just need to do is get back to my shrink. I am having a really hard time making myself leave the house, and appointments almost worsen that because all I do is think about the fact that I have to leave from the time I make the appointment, until the time I go. But I really just need to buck up and do it. And I need to get myself on a medicine regime. Well not get myself, but work with my shrink to figure out what will be the best path. I am 32 now, and this is really not cute anymore.

Anyway, those are thing things going on in my head the past few days. Like I said, things are good. I am just going crazy :p But I love where I am, I love Paul, and I love the business I am trying to build. So I know I can make this better, I just need to take the steps to do it!

Well thank you for reading my ramblings Talk to you soon!
:w

Tags: anger, anxiety, beading, bipolar, crying, etsy, handmade, jewelry, Life, mood swings, Raevyn, rage

The other night I had the worst nightmare of my life. Now nightmares are a common occurrence for me. I have all different types, at all different levels. I have ones I have dubbed “anxiety” nightmares. Nightmares may be too strong of a word for them, but basically they are dreams were I am in very stressful situations that I cannot get out of. Probably the most common version of this nightmare for me is I am pretty much dropped into one of my old jobs, but not given any updates on how things run these days. I know this sounds minimal, but they are extreme situations. And one of the things I always prided myself on at any of my old jobs was being in control. So these dreams are very upsetting to me, and usually leave me feeling like I have not slept.

I have nightmares of horrible things happening to people I care about. For example the other night I had one where an old friend of mine had fallen into a coma.

I also have typical monster type dreams. These are probably less upsetting to me, depending on their intensity level. I have ones where Freddy is chasing me, or something like that. They sound cheesy, and they are. Most of them are mildly upsetting.

However my nightmare the other night was the worst! I guess it could qualify as a monster nightmare, but it was much worse than that. I can’t begin to describe it and have it make any sense to anyone but me. I can say it was based on ghosts, but not at the cheesy and amusing level. I woke up yelling things, and unable to breath! This is where things get really weird. I looked at the entrance of my room, and saw someone standing there. I say I saw it because as sure as I am typing this, I knew I saw it. At first I thought it was Paul’s mom, then the longer I stared I realized it wasn’t. Then it was just gone. I was disturbed to say the least. I got out of bed, I had no interest in continuing the dream. And in my head, I was absolutely convinced that our apartment was haunted! However as my head cleared, I relived the event of the “shadow” in the doorway. The more and more I thought about it, I realized I could not have seen what I thought I did. And I have a few reasons for this conclusion. For one it was 4am and absolutely dark in our apartment. There were no computer monitors on, no TVs, no light at all. The second reason is that without my glasses, I am blind as a bat. I could have never seen anything at that distance. The thing that makes this so extreme for me, is that this has never happened to me before. When I “saw” the thing in my doorway, I was positive I was awake. I was thinking about how extreme that nightmare had been. I have never had the lines between awake and sleep so completely blurred like that.

I realize that people may be thinking that I use the term nightmare too liberally. Not all unpleasant dreams are nightmares. And I know this. What causes me to put a dream into the nightmare category is really the anxiety level. If it is so high that my sleep is unsettled, and I wake up emotionally bothered or feeling completely unrested, I call those my nightmares. I guess other people have different qualifications for nightmares, but that is mine.

I did not write this to whine. My sleep problems have plagued me as long as I can remember, and I am quite used to them. I guess that is why the level at which this particular nightmare got to me really bothers me. A lot of my dreams I attribute to my anxiety problems and mental issues. I guess…I am just really tired.

Tags: anxiety, ghost, Life, nightmares, sleep disorders