Mar 30 2009
Manic Monday
Well it has been awhile since I have written in my blog about anything other than Etsy, and I think it is time.
I have been keeping myself very busy. I am really loving making cards. I love picking out patterned paper, and being able to play with colors. I have also been getting some custom requests from people for their events, which is very exciting to me! So I am getting a lot deeper into making cards than I ever thought I would. But it’s great. It also lets me be distracted from manically making earrings and things. However, it is difficult for me to keep up with all three of my shops at times. I have been able to establish sort of a rhythm though. The down side is it keeps me busy pretty much 24/7. I don’t let myself relax, and I think I am starting to get stressed out.
I am not sure if my mood lately is a bipolar thing or a stress thing. But I think it is a combo of both. I am snapping pretty easy lately. A quick example: The other day I stubbed my toe on a mostly empty laundry basket, so I picked up the basket and threw it against the back of our closet. Now don’t get me wrong, snapping is not a new thing to me. I have had an anger/rage issue for as long as I can remember. I just have not had a big problem with it in awhile. I really hate it, it makes me feel so out of control. I also worry if it will change the way my fiance looks at me. He is an amazing man, and he has been so accepting and supportive of me since the day we met. But I still worry. I am not worried I will hurt anyone, my family and friends are not in danger. As a matter of fact the person I tend to hurt is me. I just am so afraid of how it makes me look to others. And I am so sick of apologizing about it.
In high school I would punch brick walls, and I remember one event when I was meeting with my guidance counselor that I picked up a chair and threw it. Now I do not do these things to intimidate people. I think that the fact that I do these things just as often, if not more so, when I am alone then when I am with other people is proof of that. I just get filled with such anger, that I have to do something. When I punched walls I would look for the brick walls instead of the “softer” plaster walls. I am not writing this to say I am afraid I will start doing small things to hurt myself. I have no urge to punch a wall or anything like that. I just hate feeling such anger inside, and it is usually for no reason at all!
I am also crying a lot these days. I don’t just sit on the couch and cry. But I cry over just about every show or movie we watch. Once again, it annoys me because it just makes me feel so out of control. It is weird, because I really like where I am. I love being here in Texas, I love being with Paul, and I am very proud of the progress I have made with my Etsy shops. But I still have all of this inner turmoil. I know, that sounds so totally emo. But I really don’t know how else to explain it.
I think what I just need to do is get back to my shrink. I am having a really hard time making myself leave the house, and appointments almost worsen that because all I do is think about the fact that I have to leave from the time I make the appointment, until the time I go. But I really just need to buck up and do it. And I need to get myself on a medicine regime. Well not get myself, but work with my shrink to figure out what will be the best path. I am 32 now, and this is really not cute anymore.
Anyway, those are thing things going on in my head the past few days. Like I said, things are good. I am just going crazy :p But I love where I am, I love Paul, and I love the business I am trying to build. So I know I can make this better, I just need to take the steps to do it!
Well thank you for reading my ramblings 
Talk to you soon!
:w